Trigger warning: Suicidality
I’ve been experiencing a depressive episode for two months now. Losing my job because of my mental health in early February is the primary cause. I don’t miss the job itself, but being fired sent me on a whirlwind of negative emotions that have yet to cease.
Things were actually okay at first because, truth is, at some point I started to dislike going to work. I would frequently have trouble getting up and motivated in the morning, or ever, for that matter. I struggle a great deal with social anxiety so it was very difficult for me to be around people, including those of authority (bosses), despite how nice they were. There would be many times where I would be sitting at my desk and experience spells of dissociation and lack of concentration. There were also times when I experienced memory loss. I would forget what to do next in relation to a task or after I was asked to do something specific.
After I received the email telling me that I was fired, part of me felt relief. I didn’t have to wake up early anymore and I could do what I want, when I wanted to do it. I didn’t have to deal with customers or coworkers or bosses. I didn’t have to deal with social anxiety or losing concentration during a task.
The relief eventually turned into guilt and other intense, negative feelings.
Not only do I feel like a failure, but I also feel useless and worthless. I can no longer help with bills, so I essentially feel like a huge burden. I use resources like food, water, and electricity, but I’m unable to help replenish them. It’s a miserable feeling. There have been plenty of times where I have experienced suicidal thoughts because of it.
I experienced suicidal thoughts today. Thoughts like “Why am I still here?” and “Why continue being a burden, and why continue to struggle?” came to mind. It never reached the point where I was developing a plan. To be honest, I didn’t feel like I could actually kill myself today. I’ve had no energy, mostly, but I am also scared to feel the pain that might go along with dying by suicide.
Texting the Crisis Text Line
I decided to text the Crisis Text Line (741741) when the suicidal thoughts started to become upsetting. I normally wouldn’t, but a text line seemed less awkward than a phone call to a hotline so I wanted to give it a try. What did I have to lose?
I texted “HOME” to 741741. I immediately received an automated message stating that the number was the Crisis Text Line and that I wasn’t alone. I was asked to share what my crisis was while I was waiting to be assigned to a Crisis Counselor. I texted that I was experiencing a mental health crisis and that keep having frequent and intrusive suicidal thoughts. Two minutes later, I was connected with a Counselor.
My Crisis Counselor introduced herself and asked me various things, mostly pertaining to coping methods I’ve used in the past and about things I like to do in my spare time to keep me calm. She asked me if I was suicidal. I told her no, but that I was experiencing persistent suicidal thoughts.
As I continued to speak with her, I realized that our conversation was sort of distracting me. I started to think about things I enjoy, like writing and reading and coloring, instead of thinking only about dying. She asked me if I wanted to try doing any of the things I told her that I enjoy. I told her that I could always try writing a blog post or that I could start working on the novel I’ve been wanting to write. I ultimately decided to write a blog post, since I haven’t in quite some time.
I spoke with her for just under an hour and a half.
Overall, I found that the Crisis Text Line was mildly helpful. My Crisis Counselor was nice, she listened to me, and my conversation with her helped to distract me. I still have those feelings of uselessness and worthlessness, and I still feel like a burden, but the thoughts aren’t as overwhelming as they were earlier.
I would recommend texting them if you ever feel like you’re in a mental health crisis. You might be skeptical or scared or embarrassed, but don’t be. If you don’t find it helpful, you can always utilize other resources.
If you feel like you will hurt yourself or if you are actively suicidal, I highly recommend that you seek immediate help from someone local to you, such as a trusted friend or family member, a medical professional, or your local emergency department.